Rav Avigdor Miller on Anger in the Home

I’ll tell you a little anecdote.  When my father-in-law passed away, so the Agudas HaRabanim held a little hazkara meeting in the headquarters and they asked me to come down and speak.

So I said as follows: “I knew my father-in-law for forty years and I say upon him מימיו לא הקפיד בתוך ביתו – he never became angry in his house.” He never was impolite to his wife – that’s what it means.  I testify to that.  For forty years I watched that man!  Never did he say an impolite word to his wife. That’s what it means he was not makpid b’soch beiso.

Now, on his children, he must exercise authority.  Now sometimes a man must have authority over his wife too!  Sometimes a man must speak up – no question!  But we’re talking about hikpid.  Hikpid means to do something when you’re out of control.  When a man puts on an act as if he were angry, כעס הפנים ולא כעס הלב – outside, with his face he’s angry, but in his heart, he’s not angry, that’s the man who is לא הקפיד בתוך ביתו.

Hillel certainly sometimes had to discipline his children.  Whether it was necessary to discipline his wife, I can’t tell you.  But that’s one thing you can rely on – Hillel never was angry in his house!

Because Hillel always had a guest in his house and when a guest is present, you can’t be angry.  You’re ashamed.  Because as far as Hillel was concerned, Hakodosh Boruch Hu was in his house.  That’s why Hillel could never lose his temper in his house.

The Gemara tells us a story.  There was a couple who used to fight every erev Shabbos.  Erev Shabbos, people are excited, time is short, you have to prepare.  So they used to fight among themselves.  So a certain sage came every erev Shabbos and he sat in their house.  They weren’t able to fight because they were ashamed.  After some months, they became accustomed to doing things calmly.  Then he stopped coming.

Hakodosh Boruch Hu was in Hillel’s house always!  He was his permanent guest!  And therefore, Hillel never became angry in his house.

(August 1988)