Q:
Should a man continue to court a woman for shidduchim if he thinks that she may make a good wife only that she’s not physically or emotionally attractive?
A:
Let me explain something to you about this business. To choose a wife it’s good to take along your mother. Your mother is not emotionally attracted to any woman. And if you have a smart grandmother, it’s even better. She’s old and experienced.
Of course, no girl will allow you to bring your grandmother when you’re taking her out. But it’s important that the women in the family should be the judges of character and capability.
But you are the worst possible judge. Because a male is immediately blinded by a curl or by perfume. The most superficial things make him incapable of being a judge.
Now when a man says that in every respect a girl is suitable, only he doesn’t have enough emotional response, the question is, is she repulsive? If she’s not repulsive then you have to ask one more question. It may be that by intuition you know that something is wrong with her. Many times you cannot put it in words, but by intuition you see that this woman is not healthy, or you see that she is mentally not sound. You can’t put it in exact definition, but you can sense it sometimes.
But suppose you’re convinced, you have every reason to say that physically and mentally she is perfect or as close to perfect as you deserve to get – after all, not always do you deserve it. Because who are you? Sometimes you yourself are very imperfect – therefore you go ahead and make the shidduch on the basis of logic and not on the basis of emotion.
Of course, if you don’t like the person, you shouldn’t even try. But liking, if there is even a possibility, is going to increase with marriage. And therefore the fact that you are not emotionally attracted is meaningless in the choice of a shidduch.
June 1984
