Q:
When does one know that he found his true zivug, his true mate?
A:
Now let me tell you something about this. It’s a very great misconception. It’s possible to have twenty two mates. You can have twenty wives if you were born before Rabbeinu Gershom and you’re wealthy enough to support them. And each one can be your true mate.
Today you can only have one; that’s only, however, because of the takanah. it doesn’t mean that this one is your only true mate. So instead of wasting your life and letting the years go by, while you’re still looking, until you find one that when you see her a bell will ring within you, or a light will go on – because I don’t know what happens – and meanwhile, you’re getting older and older and you’ll have less and less opportunity to raise the family, because when you’re getting older, you’re going to get an old girl. If she’ll ever have any children, maybe one. Maybe none at all. Isn’t it a tragedy to miss the opportunity of raising a family?
I want to tell you something. A Jew, who is raising a family is an oveid Hashem. People don’t realize; the biggest mitzvah is to raise a family. You go to work from 9 to 5 or from 8 to 6 working to support your family. At home at night the babies are crying and they don’t let you sleep. A woman is going crazy from her babies. And you’re going mad trying to support all of them. You know, you’re serving Hashem? That’s the very best service of Hakadosh Baruch Hu: Bringing up a family, a Jewish family. Sons and daughters who walk in the ways of Hashem. And therefore you have to start as soon as possible.
We envy these women! You see a woman pushing a baby carriage; two babies inside and six more holding onto the side of the carriage. That woman is a queen! She’s a kohen gadol! She’s serving Hakadosh Baruch Hu; she’s doing the greatest thing in the world. There’s nothing bigger! לא נברא העולם אלא בשביל פריה ורביה. The world was created for that! And these people are the true avdei Hashem. They’re the servants of Hakadosh Baruch Hu.
And therefore it’s a tragedy to wait.
So the question is, so how do you know who is the true one?
I’ll give you one piece of advice. After trying your best to ascertain if she is frum, if she is healthy, if she is decent – she’s not a feminist, she likes the home, she wants a big family – she’s not so interested in luxuries. After ascertaining all these things so make up your mind that you’re going to be the true one. Instead of looking for something that’s better, see to it that you’re the one that’s better. And you’ll succeed that way. Be the best man that could be.
You’ll never find a woman that’s exactly suited to you. You’ll always find something to complain about.
The Chofetz Chaim was a genius; a brilliant man. A very great talmid chochom, a gadol hador. His wife was so ignorant that she couldn’t write. Was she a helpmate for him?
I was once talking to a man – he was a professor in college – and he wanted to marry a certain girl in our kehilla, a brilliant girl. And he told me he was so sorry that he couldn’t marry her. He wanted to walk hand-in-hand with her through life.
So I said to him, “Don’t be foolish. Nobody walks hand-in-hand with his wife through life. It’s only a dream.”
Do you find Rabbi Akiva walking hand-in-hand with his wife through life? Do you find any gadol? They don’t walk hand in hand. Each one has his or her function and they succeed, each one in their own realm.
The Chofetz Chaim didn’t walk hand in hand with his wife. He wrote his chibburim and he lived his life of zechus harabbim. She took care of him; she took care of the children. Each one did their function. She’s in Gan Eden together with him. She’s the queen, the wife of the Chofetz Chaim. But she wasn’t made especially to suit him according to his genius abilities.
So don’t think you’ll find a wife that’s exactly going to participate in all your interests. You live your life, she’ll live hers. But each one has to do the best in his or her sphere.
And therefore instead of wasting time looking for the best one, look for a good one and then get busy making yourself the best one.
TAPE # 651 (August 1987)
