Rav Avigdor Miller on Five Percent Shalom Bayis



How can I help a new couple in my family who are fighting and they’re thinking of separating?


If you can get them to visit a competent talmid chacham – now don’t send them to me – to discuss things, that’s how you can help.

I’ll explain something here.  If the talmid chacham can reduce the level of fighting by 5% it’s already a big success.  Any doctor that can cure you 5% is a success.  Because the truth is that fighting goes on in very many homes.  And therefore, although it’s better not to fight, but fighting is not a tragedy.  It’s a pity, but it’s not a tragedy.  And therefore if the fighting and bickering should be reduced with little bit of eitzah v’tachbulos, some good advice and stratagems, that’s already a success.

I once had a pair come to me and I told him he should just keep quiet; he shouldn’t answer at all.  Now she wouldn’t listen to me, so she kept on fighting all the time.  But you can’t fight if you have only one side.  You have to have two to make a fight.  And therefore, to a big extent their marriage was saved.

And therefore, you could always help out if you’ll steer them to somebody who is capable of talking to them.  It’s a big mitzvah by the way to bring shalom bein ish l’ishto.  A very big mitzvah.