Q:
When and how should somebody give tochacha to somebody else?
A:
When should you give tochacha to people and how?
הוכיח תוכיח את עמיתך. Everybody knows it’s an obligation to set people straight. But ולא תשא עליו חטא – Do it in a way you shouldn’t have a sin of embarrassing him. So try to do things in a diplomatic way.
If it’s a child, put your hand on his cheek, caress the child’s cheeks and say, “Chaim’l” or “Sarala, you’re a very nice child. I love you. I want you to listen to me now. I have to hit you two times for what you did. But because you’re a nice child, I’m going to hit you only one time.” So it’s a bargain. The child feels happy. At least one time you saved him.
And so, use diplomacy. You can use diplomacy with everybody.
Like somebody said, ‘Honey attracts more flies than vinegar.’ If you’re vinegar, you won’t attract anybody. Be honey. Be sweet. It’s possible to make your approach in such a way that people will be grateful to you.
The Gemara (Shabbos 34a) says like this: שלשה דברים צריך אדם לומר בתוך ביתו ערב שבת עם חשכה – A person has to say three things erev Shabbos when the day is going down: עשרתם ערבתם הדליקו את הנר – “Did you separate maaser? Did you make the eiruv? Did you light candles?” You have to say these three things before Shabbos to make sure the house is ready.
Here comes a frum Jew. “עשרתם? !!?ערבתם?!! Light the candles!” He’s screaming.
Oh no. The Gemara says, צריך למימרינהו בניחותא – you have to say it gently. Say it gently “עשרתם?” Quietly. “ערבתם?” Gently. Please, please, הדליקו את הנר.” Do that כי היכי דליקבלו מיניה – in order that they should accept it.
If you are a person in charge and you’re tough on your workers, you’ll find that they’re trying to cheat you without your knowledge. When you’re not looking, they’ll cheat you.
But if you’ll treat them nice, they’ll do things for you without your knowledge too. They’ll do good things for you. If you want cooperation, you must treat people gently, in a polite way. That’s a rule. Anybody who wants results has to use diplomacy.
And if you bluster and insult people, then you should know that you’re going to lose out.
Exactly when and what to do, you have to use judgment. Sometimes you need advice from somebody else. Whatever it is however, it should be as much as possible that you’re avoiding hurting someone’s feelings. לא תשא עליו חטא. Don’t have the sin of hurting his feelings unnecessarily.
TAPE # E-174 (January 14, 1999)
