Q:
Chazal say that we shouldn’t try to appease someone when he is still angry. What is the reason for that? And does that mean that absolutely?
A:
Question: It says אל תרצה את חברך בשעת כעסו – When somebody is in middle of his rage, don’t try to argue with him (Avos 4:18). Be silent and wait until the paroxysm passes by. And then you’re able to talk gently to him.
Now we’ll follow the advice of Shlomo Hamelech in Mishlei who says, מענה רך ישיב חמה – a soft answer turns away wrath (Mishlei 15:1). So in case when you come home and your wife falls upon you with an attack, “Why did you come so late? All day long, I’ve been driven to madness because of the children and now you come so late?!”, so instead of retorting quickly, take your time. It’ll pass by in another two minutes. Two minutes, it’ll pass by.
Then you can answer softly, “I was held up at the office, I couldn’t come so quickly.” מענה רך – answer softly. How important that is to dealing with everybody.
I always tell you, it’s the difference between the janitor of the bank and the vice president of the bank. If you remonstrate with the janitor of the bank, he answers angrily. That’s why he’s a janitor. If you have an argument with the vice president, he answers you softly and gently. That’s why he’s a vice president.
And so, do not try to appease your fellowman to conciliate him when he’s in midst of his wrath. You’re only pouring oil on the fire. Wait a moment or two. Sometimes wait an hour. Sometimes you wait a day. And when he cools off, then you’re able to come and talk words, calm words of reason, and win him over.
(February 1989)
