Q:
You mentioned before about talmidei chachamim who after they got married they went away from their homes for so many years to study Torah. So what was the advantage of first getting married if they were going to go away? And what about the shleimus of לא טוב היות האדם לבדו, the perfection gained by means of living with a wife?
A:
Two questions.
First; what was the purpose of being married if they anyhow went away for such a long period?
And the answer is, a man cannot function with purity of mind if he’s not married. Because he always has dreams of what he might have had. Marriage is the great cure, the great antidote, against romance. The reality of marriage sobers a person.
Now this doesn’t mean to belittle the importance of marriage. There’s no question, it’s a blessing. It’s like saying a man who has a lung or who has a heart is a blessed man. That’s part of a man. והיו לבשר אחד – to have a wife, that’s part of a person. A man and woman are really one person, one personality. That’s the purpose of the creation. And if a man doesn’t have a wife, he’s missing part of his personality.
But the fact that he has a wife at home, which means any time he wants he can go home – it’s called pas b’salo – was a consideration that used to soothe a man and therefore he was protected from having undesirable hallucinations, dreams of romance and such things. It was a very important thing for a man to know he has a wife and anytime he wanted, he could go home. And in many cases some of them begot a child or even children before they left.
Now, in many cases, you have to know, the wife was earning all that time a very great reward by giving her husband permission to be away. She was gaining in perfection all that time, because she had to undergo privation. She wasn’t benefited by the presence of a husband and the help that her husband gives by supporting her. And all the privation she endured was actually a big zechus for her, very big zechus for her.
And if we look back on our history and we want to find who is credited with all the Torah, all the Shas and all the Mishnayos; who is credited? A woman named Rochel. So it paid for Rochel to marry Rabbi Akiva and send him away in order that all the generations should repeat what her husband said about her, “שלי ושלכם שלה היא.”
Now, the second question. It’s true there’s a big shleimus, a big perfection of living together husband and wife. They have to yield to each other. They have to forgive each other. They have to be patient with each other. They have to do favors to each other. There’s a great many benefits that people gain by living together.
But there’s one very big benefit that sometimes you have to sacrifice other benefits for its cause, for its purpose, and that’s the benefit of achieving in Torah. To achieve in Torah is not only for yourself because first of all, what you achieve in Torah is for you and your wife. You and your wife are one personality. So everything you learn, she is a 100% partner.
And secondly, you are giving a great blessing to your nation. The Jewish people benefit from bnei Torah. שלום רב לאוהבי תורתך – a great peace comes upon the Jewish nation because of those who love the Torah. And למען אחי ורעי אדברה נא שלום בך – Hashem speaks peace to our people because of those who are devoted to Him. אחי ורעי – that’s the talmidei chachamim.
And therefore, it’s a very great benefit and that outweighs other benefits.
February 4, 1982
