Q:
Today, how do we train our children to have gratitude?
A:
The first thing is to learn it ourselves. Which means when you’re sitting at the supper table, you say to your wife, “Thank you,” when she puts the plate on the table. “Thank you,” when she hands you the bread—it means after you made the hamotzi already and you swallow a little bit. “Thank you,” when she hands you a towel.
And you praise the food. Don’t forget, it was an hour making supper sometimes, an hour or two over the gas range. “It was good!” Praise it. That’s part of gratitude.
When you get off a bus and there’s a colored man holding the door open for you, say, “Thank you!” But say it; not just mumble it. Get in the habit. When you’re crossing a street and a motorist is good enough to stop and wave you on instead of keeping you stranded—he could stop like this and you don’t know what to do in your indecision; he’s kind enough to motion to you to go—wave to him. Show your gratitude to him. Little by little, you’ll become a mentch.
This you have to do before you’re married. After a number of years of practicing, then finally you’re ready to marry. And then as soon as a child is born, from the earliest infancy you train him to be grateful.
Now saying ‘thank you’ is only a parrot expression, but still even that has to be done. You have to teach him to be grateful. And when somebody opens the door for him, he should say thank you to the person who opens the door.
You should constantly be making brachos to people. Like we have to say me’ah brachos b’chol yom, a hundred brachos a whole day, you also have to be constantly saying brachos, thanking people. There’s so much to thank.
I’ll tell you a story. Once a Jew—I can’t describe him because it’s not a kavod Shomayim—but a Jew with a beard, he asked me someplace for information. So I said, “I’ll call up for you.” So I threw a dime in, called up, but there was no answer. So he turned away and walked off.
Now, I am melamed zchus. He was worried; he had some trouble on his head. But still, a man invested a dime for you. He should say thank you. He should say it profusely. He turned on his heel and walked off.
Now that man, I see he’s an Orthodox Jew, but he hasn’t been trained. He has been brought up without a foundation. Orthodox without a foundation is like building a beautiful house without digging deep into the lot first and pouring a lot of concrete. That house, after a while, is going to be crooked. And it’s a chillul Hashem.
First is derech eretz and then Torah. דרך ארץ קדמה לתורה. You must have character. You must be a mentch. And you have to learn, first of all, of all the things of derech eretz is gratitude. Gratitude is the most elementary requirement of being a mentch.
And that’s how you have to train little children. Exactly what to do, you have to use your own good sense. It’s a big problem when a child doesn’t want to eat and you have to beg him and you have to cajole him and you have to bribe him. It’s a big problem. Some parents are able to get their children to eat without lowering themselves, without getting on their knees. But whatever it is, you must always keep in mind, character is a first thing.
That’s why the seforim say that children should be hit for bad character. Now to hit a child for breaking something expensive—now that’s something the child almost couldn’t help. The child is inept. So the father or the mother makes a big fuss. Oh, he broke something expensive. But when a child uses bad words or says loshon hara—he slanders someone—so there’s no reaction. That’s very bad! There you should smack. Smack for loshon hara. And smack for disrespect to older people.
An older brother has to walk through first. He is four and you are three. He came into the world first, so he goes through the door first. That’s the way to teach him.
You must teach and you must hit for manners because if you don’t hit for manners, but you hit for money things so the child understands what’s important in this world.
March 1973
