Q:
It says in Koheles that “anger is in the lap of the fool”. But aren’t there smart people who get angry?
A:
Kaas is a weakness of people that are not educated.
Let’s say, here’s a bank. So there’s a bank vice-president; he sits in the office inside. You want to take a big loan or a mortgage, you’re going to speak to him. Outside on the sidewalk, is the bank janitor who is sweeping the sidewalk. The janitor if you pass by he says, “Mister! Get out of my way. I have to sweep here!” He speaks angrily at you.
But the vice-president inside will never speak angrily to you. The vice president knows how to speak nicely to people. That’s why he’s vice president. The janitor doesn’t know how to speak like a mentch, that’s why he’s a janitor.
If you want to be somebody you have to learn how to be kovesh es kaaso. It’s one of the elementary things.
And to get angry when you’re married, you should know is a very dangerous thing. Because many times people break up only because of anger.
They come to me, couples, and I say, “What’s wrong? Is he working?”
He works.
“Does he give you money?”
He gives money.
Both are frum.
What’s wrong then? They’re arguing.
Arguing over what? The truth is they’re arguing over nothing. Just getting angry. Anger causes the other party to become angry too. And therefore anger is one of the very great sakonos in married life.
It’s a sakonah for a job. How many people lost their job over anger?! You want to keep a job, don’t show any anger—to your boss especially.
Many people are ruined by anger. You pass by in the street and a bum says something, calls you a name, a dirty Jew. You’ll become angry at him? Chas v’sholom! What can happen to you!
Smile. Wave to him. And think, “Let him drop dead. He should drop dead.”
I was once walking in the street, a goy walked over to me and said something, something not pleasant. I put my arm around his shoulder, and I said, “Hi, I didn’t see you for a long time,” I said. He was so embarrassed! He wanted to crawl into a crack in the sidewalk. He didn’t know what to do with himself. We walked to the corner. I said, “Goodbye,” and finished. I walked away.
Anger doesn’t accomplish anything. Diplomacy accomplishes. Like somebody once said, “You can catch more flies with honey than you can catch with vinegar.”
August 1998
