Rav Avigdor Miller on Tolerating Other People

Now, the first principle in dealing with people is, Hakodosh Boruch Hu made each person different.  No two people in the world have the same face.  The Gemara says that (Berachos 58b).  No two persons in the world have the same voice! It’s a remarkable thing.  And the Gemara adds that no two persons in the world have the same way of thinking.

So because his nose is not shaped exactly like you would like to have it, therefore you have a reason to dislike him? His nose is different than yours and his mind is different.  Everybody has a right to be different – unless he is doing wicked things.

Now, you don’t tolerate wicked people.  But before you decide that he’s wicked, you’d better consult the laws of the Torah and see if you’re justified.  Maybe you’re the wicked one.  Many times you’ll be surprised.  In most cases, people attribute to others the flaws of character which they themselves possess. כל הפוסל במומו פוסל – If you find fault in others, it’s usually a fault in you (Kiddushin 70a).

So therefore, the first principle in getting along with people is, accept people as they are.  If you marry a man or a woman, accept them as they are!  Make up your mind that you’re not going to change anybody.  It’s a futile task and it’s going to cause heartbreak. In order to get along with people, you must know Hakodosh Boruch Hu made a man that way; they think that way.  Let’s say women like to talk and men like to do other things; don’t try to change each other.  That’s number one.

Unless you’re a Torah teacher and you undertake the task of generally teaching people principles of living.  But to try to make over each person just because you have a certain tendency, a propensity in a certain direction, and that person is different, it’s a futile task and it’s going to cause intolerance and lack of harmony.

June 1989