Q:
Can a divorced mate try to prevent her ex-husband from visiting rights because it will confuse the child?
A:
My heart becomes faint with such a question. The best answer is that she should remarry her husband. Believe me. The biggest mistake is breaking up. Unless it’s because of nonobservance. Sometimes, chalilah, a man or a woman becomes wicked and becomes disloyal to the Torah. Otherwise, they should never break up. Through thick and thin, you have to stick it out together till the end of their lives.
This business of jockeying for visiting rights and fighting with lawyers and judges how much you can visit, how much not, it’s like a person who has one leg and he’s jockeying, trying to see how he can get along with crutches. A family has to have two legs. They need two parents.
Now I’m going to say something I always repeat. If it’s not feasible to remarry the same spouse – and that’s the very best; forget about the quarrels, forgive each other because you started out together, finish up together. But in case it’s impossible, then don’t remain unmarried. There must be two to head the family.
And it’s a tragedy when men wait years and years to find a girl who was never married. They’ll end up by getting an old girl who’s not capable of childbirth. Marry a younger widow or a younger divorcee who has already some children and you’ll be able to have children of your own. Be reasonable. Be realistic.
Marriage is not romance. Marriage is a matter of convenience. And for convenience sake it’s of the utmost importance for every man to have a woman and every woman to have a husband. And therefore, as soon as possible you should make some kind of patch. But it’s only a patch because the original marriage is the one that lasts.
I want to tell you something. Hakodosh Boruch Hu gets even with those who break up their marriages. They are going to die young. Hakodosh Boruch Hu is not going to forgive.
Here’s a man who married a girl and she was so happy she married a frum boy. But because he was not trained in good character so there was quarreling between them. Of course it’s always her fault; everyone says that. And he made the tragic mistake of divorcing her. Now, of course she made mistakes too, but divorce is the biggest mistake of all.
So what happened to her? She was brokenhearted. She could never marry again. And she became ill with cancer and then she died. The guilt is on her ex-husband’s head. No matter what he’ll say to justify himself, he’ll have to answer someday before the Great Tribunal.
Here’s a woman who mistreated her husband; she neglected her household duties and she quarreled with him until he became ill and he died young. Of course it’s not her fault. She has a thousand excuses. But some day, she’ll have to face the beis din shel maaleh and explain why. Anybody who causes the death of the spouse or causes divorce is going to be held accountable.
Here’s the case of a young man who died. A big talmid chacham. And he died. And everybody is surprised. He had a family with children. What did he do wrong that he was punished?
But I know! I remember! He was once married – before this marriage – and he got into a quarrel immediately with his wife’s parents. Something happened right after the marriage night. He became insulted and he went out of the house; he went back to his parents and he refused to come back to his wife anymore. She was ruined. A young girl and now she’s being divorced. It was a tragedy. She wanted to take her life! She wanted to commit suicide. A frum girl. But he was adamant. He refused to go back.
Well, the years passed by. He remarried but Hakodosh Boruch Hu didn’t forget it. And suddenly this man became ill and died – there’s a reason for it. You should know, there is a principle of לי נקם ושלם. Hashem says, “I have vengeance and I bring retribution! And therefore, breaking up is a terrible mistake!
A woman goes to a lawyer and gets a court order barring her husband from coming into the house anymore. She can’t stand him, she says. And she changes the lock. He comes home tired from a day’s work, he can’t open the lock. He starts pounding on the door, she refuses to answer. He calls the police. The police come and say, “Open up in the name of the law,” and she shows them the court order. The police say to him, “You can’t come in. It’s a court order.”
Brokenhearted, the man walks away from his house. Where should he go? It’s his home. He worked for it. The fact that his wife is angry at him, that she has the law on her side, that wicked judges gave her a court order, that’s nothing – she’s going to be remembered for that. She won’t be cleansed of the hand of retribution. She’ll get it someday.
And so we have to know that the people who are responsible for the unhappiness of their spouses are going to pay for it. And Hakodosh Boruch Hu at the time of the wedding is one of the parties of the contract. When people marry, the gemara says, שלשה שותפים יש – there are three partners in the home. Hakodosh Boruch Hu is the third partner. And you can’t break up unless you divorce Him too. And He’s going to take retribution for driving Him out of that partnership.
TAPE # 584
