Rav Avigdor Miller on Fighting With Your Spouse

A:

Let me explain something to you: the truth is this question is fatalistic; you don’t have to expect it at all! Now if it happens, which it usually does, it doesn’t mean that the beis hamikdash is charuv! But it doesn’t either mean that you’re building the beis hamikdash by having arguments.

Let me quote a possuk from Mishlei (13:10) on the subject: רק בזדון יתן מצה ואת נועצים חכמה. Now pay attention: רק בזדון יתן מצה, only by wickedness do you cause quarrels, ואת נועצים, but people who take counsel, it means: they think things over, חכמה, there’s wisdom. Sometimes a person excuses himself, “I wasn’t thinking, and therefore I lost my temper, I lost control.” But you have to know, that excuse won’t be accepted by Hakadosh Baruch Hu. It’s only בזדון, it’s wickedness that causes an argument. If a person had before his eyes always an ideal of avodas hashem, he wouldn’t get angry.

Now, sometimes a husband, let’s say, has to get angry, in order to cause the wife to toe the line in yiddishkeit; but even then it has to be ka’as haponim v’lo ka’as haleiv, he has to show that he’s angry, but not be angry. Or let’s say a wife wants to rebuke her husband for being careless in something important; she has to show that she’s angry, but not actually become angry.

But to actually become angry is רק בזדון יתן מצה. Matzah means merivah, quarrel; only wickedness causes quarrel. And therefore it’s a wickedness to cause a quarrel if you’re married.

I want to tell you something, you have to watch out beforehand. A chosson and kallah have to watch themselves, because if they demonstrate temper before their marriage, then it’s a pretty good sign what’s going to happen later. And if she sees from him some temper before the marriage, she shouldn’t hesitate to break off the wedding even if the invitations were already sent out! A chosson and kallah should surely be careful with each other.

Now the possuk concludes: ואת נועצים חכמה, those who take counsel of themselves, they think things over, that’s wisdom. It’s a good idea to make a principle, even if I want to get angry I’m going to count to five before I get angry; so you’re taking counsel while you’re doing that. Reb Simcha Zissel used to have a special hat to get angry, and the hat was on the shelf. When he decided to get angry, he took off his hat and put on the angry hat. It’s a true story, he had a special hat on the shelf to get angry …. חבל על דאבדין

TAPE #516