Q:
Should a newly married couple live very close to their parents, to their in-laws?
A:
Not too close. Don’t live in the same house with them by any means. I know it’s not easy. Sometimes you need help with parnasa and they give you free rent. Don’t do it! Because parents sometimes, although they’re well meaning, they can see things in the wrong perspective.
Sometimes they hear a fight going on downstairs among their children and they get excited. The fight settles itself by nature – the children, sooner or later, settle down by nature and they make shalom. But the parents don’t have that nature. They’re not husband and wives and they get excited when they see their daughter being insulted. And they mix in and that’s a disaster. Again and again it has happened.
So as much as possible, keep out of the lives of your children. Don’t butt into your married children’s lives. You want to give money to your son-in-law, yes. Give him all you can. To your daughter-in-law, give money all you can. Don’t give any advice, however. Keep away from mixing into their lives.
And the children should be very careful not to say things against their in-laws or about the in-laws. Don’t tell your wife anything against her father and her mother or her brothers or her cousin. Don’t let the family come into the area between husband and wife at all.
Now sometimes a man is fortunate enough, he marries a girl whose parents are dead. The very best thing. Then there’s shalom v’shalva. And if the parents want to remain alive, let them act like they’re not there. They can send checks, they can give money, but otherwise they’re not there. Don’t butt into your children’s lives at all.
Now if a girl goes, if a woman goes and tells her parents things against her husband, it’s avon plili, it’s a very serious sin. A man should never speak against his wife to his mother. That’s dynamite. Never talk against your mate to somebody in your family – or to anybody else for that matter. When you try to unburden yourself to someone in your family, you’re only making trouble for yourself because it’s going to bounce back.
And therefore, the question is about living with in-laws; try as much as possible to live a life of diplomacy – make it that you see your in-laws only when you’re all ready to visit them with a formal visit, but don’t be together with them on a day-to-day contact.
TAPE # 888
