Rav Avigdor Miller on The Checklist For Choosing a Wife

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Q:
What factors should a boy look for in a girl when deciding who to marry?

A:
I spoke about this about a dozen times already. But I’ll say it again briefly just to please this person.

First of all she has to be a girl who’s willing to agree with his opinions of wanting to build a Torah home. She has to be מקבל עול מלכות שמים; she wants to live a frum Jewish life. Never marry with the intention, with the hope, that you can change her. Forget about it.

Secondly, she has to he a girl that’s healthy, physically and mentally. And in case you’re not, you can’t be choosy. But if you’re physically and mentally healthy, then watch out. Be careful whom you marry.

And thirdly, she has to have good character. And good character is very rare. Very rare! You’ll think she has good character, but you’ll know better a little later. However, do the best to ascertain her character. Ask her teachers in the Bais Yaakov schools that she attended. Sometimes they’ll tell you part of the truth. And if they say very enthusiastic praises about her, then you deduct ninety percent, and then it might be worth marrying her. But if they’re not enthusiastic, if they say, “She’s a fine girl!” then forget about it.

If possible, she should come from a good family. Because a family in the background has a big influence. And if it’s not the right kind of a family then who knows what’s going to happen to your children. You want to have good grandparents for your children if possible. Good uncles and aunts if possible. So if you can find a girl from a good family, that’s worthwhile too.

It’s very important to marry a girl who comes from the same environment as you come from. That’s why you should marry a girl from the same country as you. Don’t marry a girl from another country. Sometimes it’s successful, but it’s always a strain on a marriage. Always. A man and a woman are two different nationalities. The Gemara says that; that a man and a woman are really two different nations. נשים עם בפני עצמן הן – “Women are a nation unto themselves” (Shabbos 62a). And to put even more of a strain on that is not necessary. So always marry people from the same background; they have the same interests, they eat the same kinds of foods, the same customs. And that makes it easier to remain married successfully. And that’s a very important point.

But all this is before marriage. Look before you jump. Once you’re married, it’s forever.

TAPE # 747