Why did Yaakov stop for 14 years in the yeshiva of Shem v’Ever if his father told him to go and get married?
When Yaakov Avinu was told by his parents, when he was given the order that he should go and get a wife, he didn’t do it. Fourteen years he took a vacation and he went to the yeshiva. That’s a queer thing. They didn’t tell him to go to the yeshiva. They told him to get a wife. But he dropped out of sight for fourteen years in Yeshivas Shem v’Ever. How could he do such a thing? Is that obeying his parents?
The answer is that’s part of the job. Before you can take a wife you have to be ready for the job. And that’s why if possible, yilmod Torah, you have to learn, ve’achar kach yisa ishah, and afterwards you should get married. Learning Torah doesn’t mean you learn a piece of Bava Kama and that’s all; no. Unfortunately the way it’s taught in the yeshivos is not a preparation for marriage. Torah means a lot more. It’s a pity it’s not being taught in all places properly. Some places, maybe.
You have to teach a lot of things. You have to teach toras chesed. People have to learn that they’re getting married and therefore they have to live with somebody else and they have to be willing to yield. You have to be willing to accept other people’s idiosyncrasies. You just can’t have things your way. There’s a great deal to teach there! The Torah of cooperating with other people.
Here’s a yeshiva man. He’s frum and he’s idealistic; he’s everything. But it’s always what he wants to do. He’s doing what he wants. Suddenly he gets married and he discovers that there’s somebody else who wants something too; and it’s a great disappointment to him. And that’s only one of the things you have to learn.
But we’ll leave this to those who are conducting the institutions. What’s the benefit of my telling it here? Those people are the ones who should be asking this question. Let them study the subject.
TAPE # 178